Random Rant

It has been a while... so here we go ;)

Sometimes when I say things they get taken the wrong way. And that drives me mental, but I am too concerned about people’s feelings to say what I really meant sometimes. I really want to try and make things work with the guy I am with. The X that I didn’t think I could be just friends with. I was right. When we first spoke again I said that I just wanted to be friends and see where it goes. That was about a month ago. I said I need to be selfish right now and worry about my career(which I am loving! I wish I was editing more but I finally got the footage I have been waiting for) and getting my body what I want it to be(I have been slacking), move back to the city, pay off my bills, before I can worry about making someone else happy. Also if we were to jump back into a relationship, it would start right back where it ended and that was not a good place. By any means. SO then we were just chatting and hanging out and I realized that just being friends was not working for me, so I decided that we should be "dating". Well he took that as I want him to be my full on boyfriend, which I don't know that I am ready for. I told him I want to take it really slow and that doesn't appear to be happening either. I just really don't want it to be like last time. We were really emotionally abusive of eachother :( I guess I will have to talk to him about some ground rules and such rather then just telling whoever reads this... I am sure I will figure it out. I also feel really selfish because I do think, what if someone else asks me out? I ran into my highschool sweetheart and we still give eachother butterflies, is that dangerous to what I have going on right now or normal for your first love to make you feel that way? Is that why my X wants me back? Cuz I was his first love? hmmm... I have figured out some stuff though and that is good. Me and my partner in crime have defined our friendship as just that and nothing more which I am happy about as we can just hang out now. I have a good paying job, a car, I'm on my way to getting into the city (maybe later then planned). I think I am prone to over thinking and worrying and there will always be something bugging me. Thats a human thing though right? I am sure one day I will figure it all out ;)