Drama! or not

A very loving and caring friend has finally convinced me to get help for a possible anxiety disorder that I have been dealing with as long as I can remember. I went to the doctor and against my better judgement he has put me on an anti anxiety medication and an anti depression medication. It is kind of a trial to see how it effects me and I am following up with him in 4 weeks. I also have to find me a therapist and a professional diagnosis. Hopefully this will help me in the holding myself back part of life.

Secondly, I did talk to the boy in question. I am not going to go into detail really but it is over. I expressed my feelings too late but I don't feel that I am entirely to blame for it coming to an end, and I think that after talking to him I am ok with it now. I still really care about him and want him to succeed in life. I don't think that I will ever be able to just hang out with him again but I will be ok at mutual functions and maybe the occasional coffee to catch up.

I need to focus on getting me healthy. Mentally and physically. Not boys! Then maybe I will be able to move back to the city and be comfortable on my own. More confident. I have always thought I needed someone and I have this insane deadline on my life and I want to be free of that. I want to live and be happy! not just pretend to be. If I stop searching then maybe I will find what I really want. Or it will find me :)

Wish me luck ;)

feb.19... holy emotions batman!

A day for contemplation, regret and matters of the heart. The past month I have been wallowing in the thought that I made a tragic mistake in my love life. Just under 3 months ago I ended an almost 2 year relationship. I still loved him, that was never the issue. I just started to feel overwhelmed by our issues. When we first started dating he had moved back home, 3 hours away from me. It was really tough and we almost ended it because it was too hard to del with our issues given the distance. Then he moved to my city to be with me and everything was better. Then the issue was seeing too much of eachother, I moved back home, 30 minutes away, and it became harder to deal again. I think I may have been talking myself into more drama then there needed to be when we broke up, pulling the commitment phobe card, or maybe I'm pulling the lonely drama queen cat lady card right now. I have been blaming myself a lot for the whole thing since a dear friend and partner in crime of mine told me that he never really saw me and my x working out. Didin't think we were a good match. Taken my history with the friend in question, I started going a bit mental. I can't be in a relationship right now and I know that (not that he would take me back... again!), I need to figure out my life and what I want before I can deal with someone else being a major part in it. I had a moment of weakness though. I told him that I wanted to talk to him, about us, I must have been thinking athat maybe thwere was a chance. Hi assured me that we are done and he is ok with that, didn't make it any better. I am supposed to meet up with him next week sometime. I must be out of my mind.

feb.18th, Financial woes...

Today, yet again, I realized that I am going to have to dip into my savings to pay my health care and student loans. Oh and I have to ask my sister if she can give me an extention on my rent this month. Retail is clearly not going to get me what I want in life. Unfortunately that is pretty much my only option right now. In my hope town there aren't many options of jobs. I would love to find something in the city but I still don't drive. In case you never noticed, another problem I have is making excuses that hold me back. It is looking like I won't have enough money saved up to move until my 24th birthday. Hopefully I can figure something out because I am getting extremely lonely here...

What do you want to be when you grow up? Here it goes...

I moved to the big city all on my own when I was almost 19. It quickly became my true home. I met some amazing people and rekindled some old friendships. I went to film school for two years and loved every minute of it. I majored in Post Production and cut one of our Major projects. A documentary on gamers. I also wrote one of our Major Dramas.

So, what am I doing now? I am a single, 23 year old woman. I live in my sisters basement in my home town with my two cats, Marvin and Jacob. I am currently Job hopping in the closest mall.

Thinking about the question at hand, I don't know that I ever really knew the answer. In any aspect of my life. I am a creative person. I love writing fiction and non, performing on stage, singing, song writing, editing. I know I don't want to live my life in a job I hate, even if I make a lot of money. I am a hobby collecting/jumping, over self conscious, serial monogamist, commitment phobe who loves to psycho analyze herself.

Since I can't figure out anything specific, lets look at the basics of life. I know that I want a career that I love, am good at and makes me enough money to survive and support some entertainment, travel, my cats ;)I don't want anything fancy, just a comfortable worry free life. (don't we all?)

I want to live in m OWN place. I am sick of renting rooms in other peoples spaces. I want somewhere that is my own and I can do what I want with. Something small, quaint, with character.

Lastly I want someone to wake up to. Some one to laugh and fight with. To make love to. Someone who no matter how mad I get at them, a little gesture or wink can melt me smile and know that everything will be ok. Someone I can count on, trust. I don't need a husband, or to have children. Just someone to call mine and is proud to call me theirs.

The issue being the plan part... how does someone like me, with so many hang ups get what they want out of life? figure out what they want in life? Hopefully this will hold me accountable and help me figure it all out. we will see ;)