A very loving and caring friend has finally convinced me to get help for a possible anxiety disorder that I have been dealing with as long as I can remember. I went to the doctor and against my better judgement he has put me on an anti anxiety medication and an anti depression medication. It is kind of a trial to see how it effects me and I am following up with him in 4 weeks. I also have to find me a therapist and a professional diagnosis. Hopefully this will help me in the holding myself back part of life.
Secondly, I did talk to the boy in question. I am not going to go into detail really but it is over. I expressed my feelings too late but I don't feel that I am entirely to blame for it coming to an end, and I think that after talking to him I am ok with it now. I still really care about him and want him to succeed in life. I don't think that I will ever be able to just hang out with him again but I will be ok at mutual functions and maybe the occasional coffee to catch up.
I need to focus on getting me healthy. Mentally and physically. Not boys! Then maybe I will be able to move back to the city and be comfortable on my own. More confident. I have always thought I needed someone and I have this insane deadline on my life and I want to be free of that. I want to live and be happy! not just pretend to be. If I stop searching then maybe I will find what I really want. Or it will find me :)
Wish me luck ;)
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