Update

So here’s the update…

I have been with my X since I wrote the last message. I suppose I should be more specific lol I seem to have a lot of Xs. Any way, the one that I was worried I would hurt. Everything is going really great. We are both being much more mature this time around. I am watching my mean self and he is thinking before he pouts. It sounds stupid but those were really our two biggest issues. I am actually thinking about my future with someone else again.

I know that I said I need to be selfish right now but I think I have come a long way and a little balance is never a bad thing. I still go to the gym with my sister, I’m still eating right, I started going to Crossfit Edge which is a pretty cool work out group I suppose you would call it. Either way my pant size keeps shrinking (finally a size 8 – 10 again) in a healthy way and that is pretty exciting. I still got a ways to go before I am bikini ready but I have 7 months to get there ;) hopefully it doesn’t take quite that long lol

I am still doing my interior design consultant thing, it is going a bit slow but still good. I also just started freelancing for a local media group doing some assistant editor stuff when they need me. So far it is just for a week but hopefully I do a good job and they call me back. I might even get a credit on the show I am ingesting for. I am pretty excited about this opportunity.

I am still living with my parents and I honestly think I may stay there until next fall. I will be able to save up a lot more to move as well as pay off almost all of my debt which is pretty exciting. I haven’t told my boyfriend this yet :S and I know that he will be upset that it is going to take so much longer then I originally said it would but I am sure he will understand that this is what is best for me right now. Plus the drive really isn’t that bad every day and my parents like him so he is comfortable there.

The one whom I call my partner in crime has a new girlfriend and that is going really well so far from what I hear. I don’t talk to him much anymore. It almost seemed like he was avoiding me for a while and it took him 3 months to tell me about her. Everyone else seemed to know before me too. Including people he never sees. That was a little annoying. I am happy for him, especially since this is the first girl who has made him want to tell people he is with her in a long time. I just wish guys didn’t ditch their close female friends when they find a love interest. I know with him and I it was a strange friendship but it still bugs me that it took him so long to tell me. And the way he told me.

As you can tell though, apart from that one thing, I am really happy right now. I can’t wait to see what the future holds :D

Random Rant

It has been a while... so here we go ;)

Sometimes when I say things they get taken the wrong way. And that drives me mental, but I am too concerned about people’s feelings to say what I really meant sometimes. I really want to try and make things work with the guy I am with. The X that I didn’t think I could be just friends with. I was right. When we first spoke again I said that I just wanted to be friends and see where it goes. That was about a month ago. I said I need to be selfish right now and worry about my career(which I am loving! I wish I was editing more but I finally got the footage I have been waiting for) and getting my body what I want it to be(I have been slacking), move back to the city, pay off my bills, before I can worry about making someone else happy. Also if we were to jump back into a relationship, it would start right back where it ended and that was not a good place. By any means. SO then we were just chatting and hanging out and I realized that just being friends was not working for me, so I decided that we should be "dating". Well he took that as I want him to be my full on boyfriend, which I don't know that I am ready for. I told him I want to take it really slow and that doesn't appear to be happening either. I just really don't want it to be like last time. We were really emotionally abusive of eachother :( I guess I will have to talk to him about some ground rules and such rather then just telling whoever reads this... I am sure I will figure it out. I also feel really selfish because I do think, what if someone else asks me out? I ran into my highschool sweetheart and we still give eachother butterflies, is that dangerous to what I have going on right now or normal for your first love to make you feel that way? Is that why my X wants me back? Cuz I was his first love? hmmm... I have figured out some stuff though and that is good. Me and my partner in crime have defined our friendship as just that and nothing more which I am happy about as we can just hang out now. I have a good paying job, a car, I'm on my way to getting into the city (maybe later then planned). I think I am prone to over thinking and worrying and there will always be something bugging me. Thats a human thing though right? I am sure one day I will figure it all out ;)

On my way!

I GOT THE JOB!

My first day is on monday and I am so excited. I am realizing more and more how hard this job is going to be but the rewards are worth it. I could be back in the city in 10 months and debt free in 2 years! that is really exciting for me.

My manager at the clothing store is on vacation, so is our DM, so I gave my notice to the assistant manager. She is a pretty good friend of mine and was excited for me though a little frustrated at having to re work next weeks schedule. Her last day is next wednesday though so she couldn't be too upset about it. I feel kind of like a coward leaving while the manager is on vacation but I didn't really have a choice. This is finally the opportunity that could turn things around for me. No more being poor not being able to do anything, worrying about feeding the cats before myself, living in family members basements.

I can't wait to start and see were it takes me.

Fingers Crossed

So I have my Assistant Manager interview at the store I am currently working at on the 22n'd, after the Manager gets back from her holiday. Getting his job would mean making a decent amount more an hour and being guaranteed more hours a week. Both great things. I think I could make a lot of good changes within the store as well if I were given the position. It isn't exactly what I want but it is better then what I have right now and something to keep me moving in the right direction. I couldn't sleep this morning so I did up a budget. I figured out what I would need to be making and how many hours I would need to work to be debt free and in Calgary in 2 years. It isn't too bad and I would be able to do it if I got the position. (PS. I didn't figure into it the $9000 computer I need if I ever want to be considered for full length Independent projects.) I know 2 years is a long time to be in my home town... at my parents house... but if it means being debt free when I head out on my own then so be it. Obviously there are people and things that could make it go a little quicker. For example.... I HAVE AN INTERVIEW FOR A GROWN UP JOB ON MONDAY!!!!! I tricked you! you thought I was settling. All of the above is true. However what I really want is the job I interview for on Monday. It is at the flooring store I have previously talked about. It may only be for the year that my sister is on Maternity, but it is ALOT more money, 9-5:30 with 2 days in a row off every week, as well as being a REAL job on my resume and a foot in the door to grown-up-ed-ness. I am really excited and I want so badly to get this position. It would make everything so much easier and go so much faster, plus then I could possibly afford my computer too! The only thing is if I interview on Monday and lets say he hires me on wednesday, I have to give a weeks notice to my current work and the manager is on Vacation. The current Assistant is leaving at the end of this month too and when the manager gets back she would basically have half a week to find another full time employee to take mine and the assistant's place. pretty sure she will want to kill me. But really if I get it how could I pass that opportunity up? I have been thinking a lot lately about going back to school and I think it is best that if I do decide to do that I have my current loans either paid of or very close to being paid off. I do need to upgrade my english as well, and I think getting this other job will really help with all of that as well. I just see everyone around me with real jobs, husbands, wives, kids. I am starting to feel that pressure a bit too. Don't get me wrong, I'm not quite ready for marriage and kids yet, but when I am I want to be stable enough to not really have to worry about how I'm going to do those things. Any who, Wish me luck! I've got my fingers crossed...

looking up

as you can see from the title of this post, things seem to be looking up for me lately. I am currently editing two projects, I haven't quite started due to some minor issues but least I am part of something in the industry. I have an interview on monday for an assistant manager position at one of the cool kid stores in the mall. I am being considered for a high paying design consultant position at a well known flooring company in the city. Me and the cats are moving in with my parents to save even more money and If I get this design consultant job I may be able to move back into the city next year. Into a place where I am paying my own mortgage not someone else's. I will be able to pay my parents back for my car and everything else they have done for me. I will be able to upgrade my editing system :D. I am hoping I get that one ;). If not the Assistant manager position would pay a lot more then what I am making now and I think I will be happier there then where I am too. It will take longer but it will also help me meet all my goals and pay off my debts. A really close friend is back in the city and I get to see him at least once a week which is really cool. He keeps me motivated, and grounded while still having an insane amount of fun. I have been smiling and laughing a lot lately and I seem to have a lot to look forward to and keep my fingers crossed for. Lets hope it keeps going this good :D

H CORE RANT!

So something has been bugging me huge for a while now but it finally came to a boiling point as of late and I am to nice to actually say something so I am going to write it in a blog.

When I was little I had a friend. Her parents didn't really raise her or her 3 younger siblings so she had to. That is indeed sad. This girl grew up to be a pretty huge partier. She would go out to one of the big rock clubs in the city and get completely hammered ad make out with whoever. She was a larger girl and walking from one part of the bar would make her sweat profusely. It was pretty clear to the rest of us that the guys she was getting thought her as easy and desperate and were taking advantage. She liked the attention. A few years ago this girl went to a holiday party at the same club and met a guy. She got only his first name and that he lived out of town. Not where out of town or a last name or any contact info. This time however she took the gut to a hotel. She ended up Pregnant that night and the guy was never to be seen or heard from again. She decided to keep the baby. Something I respect. She was living with her parents in a pretty far away small town and would frequently leave her baby with her parents while she drove all the way to the city to get her drink on. That annoyed me. Why not choose adoption for your child if you aren't going to be a parent to them? Then it started to get worse. She moved to Calgary, without her child, to look for a job so they could move into the city and away from her parents. months went by and no Job and her child was still living with her parents while she partied it up in the city. Again I refer to the part where her parents didn't raise her. Pretty sure she is making her little sister do what she had to. Then I start seeing statuses about having the best boyfriend in the world and living with him and going on trips just the two of them and getting pets together and now an engagement. No her child still doesn't live with her. somehow she can afford to spend all this money on trips and pets but can't afford to take care of her child and that drives me mental. She shouldn't be a parent if she wasn't going to do it she should have either not kept the baby or put it up for adoption. I know that is a hard decision to make but if you choose to bring a child into this world you need to take care of that child and put it above everything else. I honestly have been so disgusted by her as of late that I deleted her from my networking sight. Then she asked why she couldn't see my profile and all I could say was it was an accident. It honestly makes me ill to think about her even. I sometimes wish I could tear a strip off of her but this is as far as it will get...

2 in one week?

Ok so enough with the happiness for now ;) I am still happy with my life and going to stay positive and do things that will better my quality of life. I will find a better paying more stable job and I will save up to move back to the city. However my most recent decision may be a bit odd. Today I found out that the rent at my sisters will be going up. That is understandable. Utilities are expensive. However it appears as though they are planning on charging me for utilities paid over the past 6 months. The deal was $200 rent nd utilities and I am ok with that going up in the future however I refuse to make back payments when that wasn't the deal. My decision is, now that I have a car, I am going to beg my parents to let me and the cats move into their house. I will have to live tidier there but I will have more freedom and I trust them. Plus they don't tend to dump things on me last minute. I was going to stick it out here to help out my sister but I am over being treated like a 16 yr old who takes advantage of them when that is not the case. I love my sister and I wish her family all the best I just can't be a part of this unit any more. I think I will ask my parents in Vegas and see what happens. I will obviously stay here until my niece is done school but that will be the extent. Hopefully more things in my life can start falling into place so I can move back to the city I love.

Feeling good

I am leaving for Vegas on Tuesday and am really excited. My oldest friends wedding. I feel really good and have been looking pretty good ;) I am just happy right now. I need to stop complaining and start doing something about my life. I did it with my weight and that is going really well so I can only imagine that the same will go for everything else. I need to look into better paying jobs so that I can get back out on my own. I have my license and a car now so that makes things a lot better. I want to look more into finding things to edit. I want to do what I love and love what I do. We will see. I really think that being single these past few months has been really good for me. As much as I would love to be in love with someone who loves me I am learning to love myself and that is huge for me. I am starting to figure out what I really want. I don't think I will ever bee 100% sure but where is the fun in that any way? I don't know. I just had a really amazing night last night and grew the balls to say some things that needed to be said and I don't know. I am just happy. Hopefully I can keep up this momentum. I am rambling now though so I will leave you with that.

health, wealth and life

This past week I have been really sick. Normally not something I would pout or wine about, however, this time it really made me see how badly I need to get out of the retail industry.

I woke up the morning of the 22 feeling like death. I mean that I could barely move. I was freezing and sweating all night long to the point where I had to take a hot bath at midnight. I knew I didn't work until 11 and that nobody would be in the store until 9:15 at the earliest so I went back to sleep for a bit.

I woke up at 8:55 so that I could brush myself off a bit before I called in. So I called in. My manager proceeded to scoff at me and treat me like a 16 year old who just wanted the day off. The attitude in her voice drove me nuts! She needed me to come in so that she could do her taxes. Are you kidding me? I asked if I could have a shorter shift and reluctantly she conceded.

I called up a good friend who has been there a lot for me lately and she packed up her baby and took me to the doctor. My doctor was offended by the way my boss had treated me being so sick and made sure to give me a note stating that I needed the next few days to get better. He also sent me for blood work. The line in the clinic was long so I called my boss to let her know that I had a note and would be late but that my doctor also wanted me to be off for the next few days. Again I got the same attitude problem. She could shorten my shifts but that was all. They needed to make sure the store was covered. All of this is stuff that I understand but it was the tone and attitude in her voice that drove me crazy. I am not a 16 year old brat who can afford to take a few days off my shit paying job. I am a 23 year old woman, living in my sisters basement so that I can pay off my loans and figure out my future. I can't afford to miss a half day of work. I don't want to rely on my family for everything, forever. So for me to have to take 3 days off because I am so sick is huge.

The whole way to the mall my friend kept telling me I was an idiot if I went in. And I am. The moment I walked in the girl who was there looked at me and said go home! Apparently I looked pretty green. She ate her lunch on the floor that night so that I could go home and try to sleep. I am so happy that she was there and not my boss. I took the number for HR and called them on the way home. I explained the day and the situation and they told me to stay off until the dr said I was ok to go back and that I can call them for anything. I am glad to know that the company I work for is so compassionate when my boss obviously isn't. They even called me the day before I was supposed to go back to make sure that I was feeling better.

The point of the story. The moment I get back from m friends destination wedding in may I hope to be starting a more grown up job. Something that pays better, guarantees me a good amount of hours, somewhere where I am treated and trusted like an adult. There is something about people in management positions at the mall. They get this sence of entitlement to treat people like crap, and usually they get away with it because their staff is too young to fight back. Well I am done! If I need to call HR again I will but I refuse to be afraid of losing my job because I am truly sick. I know not everyone in retail is like that but lately that has been when I have seen.

So there is my rant for today. I will grow up if it the last thing I do. And I will get out of this stupid cycle of retail hell.

Drama! or not

A very loving and caring friend has finally convinced me to get help for a possible anxiety disorder that I have been dealing with as long as I can remember. I went to the doctor and against my better judgement he has put me on an anti anxiety medication and an anti depression medication. It is kind of a trial to see how it effects me and I am following up with him in 4 weeks. I also have to find me a therapist and a professional diagnosis. Hopefully this will help me in the holding myself back part of life.

Secondly, I did talk to the boy in question. I am not going to go into detail really but it is over. I expressed my feelings too late but I don't feel that I am entirely to blame for it coming to an end, and I think that after talking to him I am ok with it now. I still really care about him and want him to succeed in life. I don't think that I will ever be able to just hang out with him again but I will be ok at mutual functions and maybe the occasional coffee to catch up.

I need to focus on getting me healthy. Mentally and physically. Not boys! Then maybe I will be able to move back to the city and be comfortable on my own. More confident. I have always thought I needed someone and I have this insane deadline on my life and I want to be free of that. I want to live and be happy! not just pretend to be. If I stop searching then maybe I will find what I really want. Or it will find me :)

Wish me luck ;)

feb.19... holy emotions batman!

A day for contemplation, regret and matters of the heart. The past month I have been wallowing in the thought that I made a tragic mistake in my love life. Just under 3 months ago I ended an almost 2 year relationship. I still loved him, that was never the issue. I just started to feel overwhelmed by our issues. When we first started dating he had moved back home, 3 hours away from me. It was really tough and we almost ended it because it was too hard to del with our issues given the distance. Then he moved to my city to be with me and everything was better. Then the issue was seeing too much of eachother, I moved back home, 30 minutes away, and it became harder to deal again. I think I may have been talking myself into more drama then there needed to be when we broke up, pulling the commitment phobe card, or maybe I'm pulling the lonely drama queen cat lady card right now. I have been blaming myself a lot for the whole thing since a dear friend and partner in crime of mine told me that he never really saw me and my x working out. Didin't think we were a good match. Taken my history with the friend in question, I started going a bit mental. I can't be in a relationship right now and I know that (not that he would take me back... again!), I need to figure out my life and what I want before I can deal with someone else being a major part in it. I had a moment of weakness though. I told him that I wanted to talk to him, about us, I must have been thinking athat maybe thwere was a chance. Hi assured me that we are done and he is ok with that, didn't make it any better. I am supposed to meet up with him next week sometime. I must be out of my mind.

feb.18th, Financial woes...

Today, yet again, I realized that I am going to have to dip into my savings to pay my health care and student loans. Oh and I have to ask my sister if she can give me an extention on my rent this month. Retail is clearly not going to get me what I want in life. Unfortunately that is pretty much my only option right now. In my hope town there aren't many options of jobs. I would love to find something in the city but I still don't drive. In case you never noticed, another problem I have is making excuses that hold me back. It is looking like I won't have enough money saved up to move until my 24th birthday. Hopefully I can figure something out because I am getting extremely lonely here...

What do you want to be when you grow up? Here it goes...

I moved to the big city all on my own when I was almost 19. It quickly became my true home. I met some amazing people and rekindled some old friendships. I went to film school for two years and loved every minute of it. I majored in Post Production and cut one of our Major projects. A documentary on gamers. I also wrote one of our Major Dramas.

So, what am I doing now? I am a single, 23 year old woman. I live in my sisters basement in my home town with my two cats, Marvin and Jacob. I am currently Job hopping in the closest mall.

Thinking about the question at hand, I don't know that I ever really knew the answer. In any aspect of my life. I am a creative person. I love writing fiction and non, performing on stage, singing, song writing, editing. I know I don't want to live my life in a job I hate, even if I make a lot of money. I am a hobby collecting/jumping, over self conscious, serial monogamist, commitment phobe who loves to psycho analyze herself.

Since I can't figure out anything specific, lets look at the basics of life. I know that I want a career that I love, am good at and makes me enough money to survive and support some entertainment, travel, my cats ;)I don't want anything fancy, just a comfortable worry free life. (don't we all?)

I want to live in m OWN place. I am sick of renting rooms in other peoples spaces. I want somewhere that is my own and I can do what I want with. Something small, quaint, with character.

Lastly I want someone to wake up to. Some one to laugh and fight with. To make love to. Someone who no matter how mad I get at them, a little gesture or wink can melt me smile and know that everything will be ok. Someone I can count on, trust. I don't need a husband, or to have children. Just someone to call mine and is proud to call me theirs.

The issue being the plan part... how does someone like me, with so many hang ups get what they want out of life? figure out what they want in life? Hopefully this will hold me accountable and help me figure it all out. we will see ;)